BE MY VALENTINO

February 14, 2016

I have a very sad tendency to seduce myself first....

Since I was seven, I dressed up for Valentine's Day. I had a hot pink polyester day dress that screamed to the world "LOVE ME." I recall also making myself large cards out of silver and gold doilies and spreading them out on my desk at preschool. On February 14th I am Barbara Cartland personified, I am also free of denim: the anti-norm core. Every year without fail I have to dress like a combination between Pearl Lowe and Mary Pickford.

Because...romance.

This Sunday, almost husband will definitely have forgotten what day it is and no dinner plans will be made. At all. So....instead of playing wallflower I have already got a bottle of Perrier Jouet rosé stashed at the back of the lemon yellow SMEG and my favourite pair of Valentino "Rock Stud" pumps to wear with a simple lace dress. I swear I bought those shoes because they had a tacky style name. Anyway...Yes it is overkill. But I just as easily flip an omelette wearing polka dot chiffon Fifi knickers trimmed in lipstick red lace as in grey Muji underpants. How can anyone on earth except Gwyneth have rampant standing up in the kitchen sex in grey marle???

I need loads of really obvious visual triggers, And, sadly, so does he.

BANG. BANG, BANG. WIMPER and SIGH.

The almost husband will hear a champagne cork pop. Then smell onions sizzling, then a waft of Shalimar, he might see that indeed I am wearing a velvet choker and the sun has not yet set…then, Jesus finally, he will hear his favourite gloomy Joy Division chorus and the penny might just drop.

"Oh".

"Yeah".

Girls. We're never going to change.

HETTY'S INNER CHILD

September 14, 2015

Paris goes to Hetty's head and in some regards she takes leave of her senses COMPLETELY when she pops into the Maison of Fifi Chachnil. I mean how old is too old for rompers ala Prince George and a polka dot mini dress that looks like the skating outfit of Holiday on Ice 1938?

This season she thought the Cigaline Mini a Paris was the best thing since jasmine tea martinis and she ordered two. One for the kitchen (Fifi sells aprons too!!) and one for the bedroom to wear open as a peignoir.

And so I go round to hers and she answers the door with sunburnt legs (Sicily) and a cloud of a polka dot skirt. I had to stop her wearing this with rugby socks. Because that is the problem about English girls and French clothing. They always have to sod it up slightly. It's playtime for Hetty's perversities which, let me say, are both rampant and prolific.

As I was leaving she was rolling on the floor with her new kitten (MISTER CHIPS) and quite frankly it ALL looked very pale and fluffy to me. No wonder her baby blue bakelite phone rings off the hook. Men can smell angora from quite a distance.

HETTY SERIOUSLY REGRESSES IN MILAN

September 11, 2015

Hetty knew it was all happening in New York New York. Loella (might have slept with a caterer) and made it into the Michael Kors show. But Hetty being Hetty was as busy as a bee at the leather trade show and not the kind that makes good copy. It WAS smelly but not terribly kinky.

So she spent her down (town) time prowling the streets on Friday and decided she had to have the Miu Miu mutant schoolgirl shoe of the season in pale blue and white. This was white shoes but not as we know them. And with them she will wear a Fifi Chachnil see through school girl meets kinky teacher blouse and matching baby blue sateen bra and if anyone stares at her she will simply blink at them with her glacially pale cornflower blue eyes. While sucking a lollipop.

If you are going to exploit anyone's innocence it's best to start with your own....